Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
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Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Found the job I’m suited for
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
why isn’t he texting back
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.