Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
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I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun