When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
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Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ