[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
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Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*