[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
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Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Not even remotely sorry.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band