Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
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For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what