Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
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31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.