Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
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Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.