Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
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Mhm.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Don’t tell me what to do
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.