I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
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Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?