Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
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My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
wtf is a larm clock?
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.