[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
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Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Tony Hawk, age 6
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Probably my best painting.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
A leaf blower, but for people.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
The pen is writier than the sword.