My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
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Can’t. About to go please some beans
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
bury ourselves