Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
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I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News