“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
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MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.