[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
You Might Also Like
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded