I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
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[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
This was a bad idea all around
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…