The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
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INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch