Fidel Castro was alive?
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I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.