My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
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Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Nothing to do, you say?
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.