Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
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Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..