Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
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Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there