[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
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Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors