Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
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*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
So we got a goldfish…
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman