The only equipped I am is ill.
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Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids