It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
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Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
john wicks are toilet candles
Are we there yet?…
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
🤣🤣
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine