DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
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I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Autocorrect is my menesis
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height