‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
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If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I am HOWLING at this
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.