Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
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“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
girls literally only want one thing..
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun