when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
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The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday