Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
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Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
i hope my email finds you on fire
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.