Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
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A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Sorry not sorry.