*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
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My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Growing up was a huge mistake
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]