Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
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Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
OKAY DAD
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.