Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
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Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground