Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
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Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
me, too, girl. me, too.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I’ll be mad as hell!
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.