How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
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Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
very niche meme I made
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again