Always leave the cult better than you found it.
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Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.