I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
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*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink