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Oh hi lol
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.