When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
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The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.