ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
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Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
much to think about
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
saw this in a dream
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet