My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
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I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
inventing words: clothing
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?