*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
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Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.