I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
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[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.