Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
You Might Also Like
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Watermelon Boss!
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”