Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
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HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*