“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
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Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Sign of the day..
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
The honesty is refreshing
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
bout dat hot dog summer
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine