Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
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My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
hmm conte-me mais
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”