Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
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I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
yes… yes…
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO